I don’t know if there’s anything worse than bitterness. It is a slow self-torture that leads to inner death. Bitterness is losing after losing. It is hurting after being hurt. It is being abused after the abuse. It is letting the offender defines our life even after he stopped.
“Bitterness is like poison that you swallow hoping that someone else dies.”
And worse, bitterness is a very lonely place. No one likes to be around bitter people. Bitter people complain and gossip all the time. They are angry people. They hurt others because they were hurt. I should actually say they hurt others because they want revenge. They hurt others thinking about hurting the offender. They can be manipulative to destroy. They drag other people down.
But in reality, bitterness is the consequence of deep pain. It finds its root in injustice. We become bitter when evil was done against us and justice has not been served. No reparation was made.
The problem is people only see the consequences. They do not understand the violence of the pain inside. They do not give room for wounded people to let the hurt come out. Or maybe they do but they get tired of hearing it. But bitterness is torture. Just like someone would yell because of physical torture, a bitter person wants to yell out the pain that is constantly inflicted upon him.
The difference resides in the fact that it is self-imposed. Or I should say it is imposed by what was done, but not addressed appropriately by the person. Our deep desire for justice leads us to grow thoughts of retribution. We want the abuser to receive punishment for his wrongdoing. How can we bear the idea that the abuser is enjoying a free and happy life while he imprisoned us in a mental and emotional shipwreck? And even if there was punishment, it is rarely enough to make it right.
The true solution resides in two aspects: forgiveness and justice. Ephesians 4:31–32 says:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”
Bitterness builds on unforgiving. It hardens our heart. It feeds resentment. It leads back to pain. On the contrary, forgiveness requires to soften our heart and to let go of what is due to us.
I feel Eph 4:31-32 does not do justice to those who have been hurt. It does feel there are only words for those who desire to take revenge. Again it seems there is no room for grieving. And worse, there is nothing for the abusers and offenders. How can we forgive when evil gets away?
I wish there would be a few words to satisfy the victims’ cravings for revenge. Instead, I have often felt the obligation to forgive. I have felt being the “carpet of God” – being trampled on the ground, eating the mud, used and abused – and being called to this one thing: forgive! Where is God’s justice? This passage is unfair!
And indeed, forgiveness is unfair when there is no payment. That is why the apostle Paul says in v32 “as God in Christ forgave you.” This is the basis for forgiving. We ought to forgive because we were forgiven by God. And honestly, it is very difficult. We wonder: Why would “being forgiven by God” be the basis for forgiving someone else? Imagine for one second that you did something wrong against Alfred. Alfred forgives you. Why would you owe Alfred to forgive Mark who has hurt you? Moreover, we feel we had to ask for forgiveness to God while the other person may have not even thought about the evil they committed.
The response lays in the fact that retribution belongs to God and He will deal with the person who wronged us (Rom 12:19). When one hurts someone else, he sins against God as much as he sins against that person. God is as affected as we are by the evil done to us. Therefore, God has the right to ask us to forgive, especially because we were in debt toward Him.
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ ” (Ro 12:19)
We may wonder how this is helpful. I would argue that it comes down to understanding what forgiveness truly is—and unfortunately, it is often misunderstood. We think of it as simply forgetting the wrong done to us, but it is actually looking at the wrong done against us, and not holding grudge against those who caused it. Forgetting is sweeping evil under the rug, and anyone who has been hurt deeply understands how it just does not work!
Now how can one look at evil and not hold grudge? We may try to do so by “technics” such as pray blessings on the person, or telling ourselves “I could be the offender as well.” However, these approaches ultimately fall short because, at their core, they overlook the offense whether by trying to cover it with good deeds, minimizing the gravity of evil, or rationalizing and excusing the offender. As long as such methods remain central to our efforts to forgive, true and lasting forgiveness will remain out of reach.
In reality, justice is necessary to forgive. Too often, forgiveness is taught as “let go of vengeance,” but without justice, there is no peace! We cannot tell a person who has been raped that they must simply forgive their abuser, and imply that if they struggle to do so, it’s because they’re not trying hard enough. The truth is that we need justice! Evil must be weighed out and sentenced. Then peace and forgiveness will occur.
One might ask, how can it still be called forgiveness if it requires justice? Isn’t forgiveness about removing retribution for the offense? Not quite. Biblical forgiveness operates on two levels: our forgiveness and God’s forgiveness. When God asks us to forgive our offenders, He does not eliminate the need for justice. Instead, it transfers the matter from our hands into His. You see, the issue with unforgiveness is our desire for vengeance rather than justice. Vengeance sets up a courtroom where we act as both judge and prosecutor, which is hardly a just system. In that space, we are more inclined to repay hurt with greater hurt. When God calls us to forgive, we must step out of our own courtroom and into His, where He is the righteous Judge. There, God may forgive, but His forgiveness does not cancel justice; it fulfills it. Justice is always served either through the death of Christ on the cross, which satisfies the penalty for sin, or through the eternal judgment of the unrepentant. In both cases, retribution is not ignored but fully realized.
Let me bring this to a conclusion. The fact that justice is served is essential for us to be able to forgive. Why? Because what keeps us from forgiving is the fear that the wrong done to us will be ignored or minimized. But here is the key to forgiveness: when justice is fulfilled—even if it’s Christ who pays the penalty on behalf of a repentant offender—God is making a profound statement. He is telling us that He sees the wrong, that He does not overlook it, and that He cares deeply about what was done to us. So much so, in fact, that He was willing to give His beloved Son to die for the sins committed against us, or to prepare hell for the unrepentant. More than justice, what our hearts long for is to know that God truly cares and that gives us the ability to forgive. It allows us to release the offender and to free ourselves from the root of bitterness.
In some ways, this dynamic is strange, but this is because forgiveness is deeply a matter of relationship with God. We are free to forgive when we know God cares. When we were hurt, we cried, “Why?” – not into a void, but toward Someone. That cry was directed to a God who is all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfectly good. We cried out to a God who could have stopped the evil. Even unbelievers, in the face of evil, feel a sense of abandonment as if something or someone should have intervened. That’s why true forgiveness begins not with letting go of an offense, but with reconciling with God. Forgiveness flows from trust in a just and compassionate God – Christ our true freedom.
Helpful Links:
Heaven in Mind 